Unraveling Layers of Being

We often think of loneliness as the absence of people. But is that really what it is? I have been thinking about what it means to be lonely and whether it is something external – the absence of company – or something internal, caused by a disconnection from ourselves.

As a child, I could play alone for hours. In my backyard in Curitiba, I had a room full of toys, a chalkboard where I would practice my handwriting and pretend I was teaching something to my students, and a world full of imagination that kept my engaged for hours. But I enjoyed playing with other kids too. I could run for hours playing tag and was always creating new games to play with other kids. The difference is that I did not need them to feel fulfilled. My own company was enough.

But something shifted as I grew older.

When I moved the United States as a teenager, I started feeling loneliness. I was scared I would not have friends, scared of being alone, and I began seeking validation from others. It was not just about having people around, it was about proving to myself I was liked: that I belonged. I was trying to fill a void I did not even know existed.

In college, I had everything I thought I would prevent the loneliness I felt in High School: different social circles, constant activities, endless invitations. But even with people around, I often felt lonely. And when I was alone, I felt like I had to do something – text someone, go out, make plans, add something to my Google Calendar – just to avoid the discomfort of solitude. I lost touch with myself as everything I chased was external.

It is only in the past year that I have truly learned to just be. To sit with my thoughts, to find them interesting, to embrace my own mind the way I once did as a child. Now, I realize loneliness is about the absence of connection, whether to others or to myself.

As a child, I felt connected to my own curiosity. As a teenager, I lost touch of that and searched for connection in others. But the nice thing about this connection is that it is always there, even if it gets buried under the noise of life. Now I am in the process of reclaiming it. And maybe that is the key: to not escape the loneliness but rather to lean into it. As I leaned into it, I understood that it is not about being lone, but about how deeply we are connected to ourselves.